1. Don’t smile. You don’t want to make a sale, you want to look German.
2. Fake a creepy accent. If you don’t know what a German accent sounds like, do an Arnold Schwarzenegger personation.
3. Don’t say “hi” or “hello”. Use “hallo” or “guten tag” instead (the a is pronounced like the u in “us” for “hallo” and like the a in “army” for “tag”).
4. Every American knows a couple of German words (e.g. Gesundheit). Use them whenever it’s possible.
5. Try to sound formally. Only use first names when it’s really rude not to.
6. When you visit a restaurant order a Jaegerschnitzel (DON’T order an Eisbein - you would have to eat it).
7. Whenever you have to throw something away, ask if there’s a special garbage can for plastic, metal, paper,…
8. No one will take you for a real German if you drive a non German car. Get a Mercedes star and super glue it to your car. If someone asks, tell them it’s a special model you’ve imported from Germany.
9. Houses are made of stone. Tell people that wooden houses are for dolls.
10. This is the hard part - Keep doing steps 1 to 9 while drinking lots of beer. If it’s not German beer, tell people how awful it tastes.
Well done, fellow countryman.
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